I don't blog very much...

So I don't blog a lot because I feel like there's not really a whole lot in my life to blog about. Most of the time I just put up a new poem if I have written something new but my writing has been on hold lately. Anyways, recently I just got laid off from my job so I was pretty sad about that. Hopefully in the Spring I will get to come back. Since that happened though I have pretty much been at the mountain snowboarding everyday (except weekends because it's busier). It's been tons of fun. Good thing I bought a season pass this winter or I would be BORED out of my mind! Here's some recent pictures..

Karen, Conrad and I

Me just being a dork

Conrad and I on the chair

Karen and Conrad

Aww.. :)

Beautiful sunny day

Awesome icicle picture I took!

Well, that's it for now.. see ya in another month or so.. later kids..

just another...

Entering in, the loneliness within
Trying to cope, find hope for it to end
And nothing seems to make sense anymore
As I lay here so empty on the floor
Another day looking for another way
Going through another stage, just another phase
Coming upon another level,
of hopeless pain and trouble
Trying to overcome another doubt
Feeling like I will never amount
And while looking in
I can only pretend
That this reality set in front of me
Can't be something I can run from so easily
But there's so much hurt
I want so bad to desert
But everything inside of me
Feels so impossible to me
Another feeling of familiar fear
Feeling like God will never be near
And only he can help
Save myself from myself
But God I don't know what to do
When I lost and forgot where to find you...

-brandy-

Letter/Poem to my Little Brother..

Dear Tyler,
Years have gone past since I saw you last. Losing you was one of the hardest things I ever walked through and somehow, someway God was with you that day. There was no way I would have known the day that God was coming to take you home. Tyler if you only knew, if I only had the words to tell you. There have been so many sleepless nights that I never knew I had the strength to fight. During those nights asleep in my bed my thoughts in my head would never let me forget any small bit of anything and everything. Too many times I would immediately awaken so heartbroken and shaken still asking why you were so unexpectedly taken. And once again reality would set in. So many times I tried not to cry but never could I hide my feelings inside. Every tear of pain would glide down and collide forming and endless faucet and I had no idea what to do or how to stop it. Believe me, I thought my heart was made of stone and I truly believed there wasn't anything that could be thrown to cause it to bleed let alone bring me to my knees to the one thing I need. And as every thread in my heart started to fray I thought there was no possible way it could ever be sewn back together and I would lie there broken forever. My life at the time was already so messed up and I knew this was Gods way of saying wake up. Not once did I blame the name of God but instead I put on a facade that I didn't need him because I couldn't comprehend. I didn't know that he had a plan that man doesn't always understand that's about more than me and my pain. It's about breaking chains to rearrange for freedom and change. Tyler God used you because he knew it was the only way to get through to me and help me see there's more to life than just me. He knew that you would already live with him eternally. And although it has hurt so much he has used his personal touch so I could also see who he is and know that I am his. And everyday I still wish it wasn't true that we didn't have to lose you and that there could have been an easier trial to walk through. I cried out to God night and day because I just wanted to know that you were okay. And God gave me that answer for you as he led me to Luke 15:32 and it read "For your brother once was dead and now is alive. He once was lost but now is found." From then on God gave me a peace that has never ceased and instantly I was finally able to sleep. He contended for my heart to impart his love within me and now I look at him so gratefully. God left a permanent imprint on my heart with his own finger print that is eternal and infinite. Tyler, I think about you everyday and I love you more than words can say. I always think about those times that were only yours and mine. For you I especially couldn't wait to see what you grow up to be. There is and will never be anyone like you and maybe that's why it was God that couldn't wait to be with you. I love you...

-brandy-

What I really see.....

A mind cluttered intertwined with spontaneous craze
How these days begin to melt into a singular phase
Ones fears and tears can tear them apart
Where endless lies and cries lie deep within a heart
There have been too many times
I have let others control these feelings of mine
Leaving my heart shattered in countless pieces
Impossible to unfold all these creases
Others telling me I'm "just not doing anything right"
Telling me I'm not the one that has to be stronger while accusing me of not putting up a good enough fight
So many times I've lifted my hands in true surrender
Feeling abandoned by my only defender
What used to feel incredible, real and full of contentment
Transformed into internal hurt, pain and unwanted resentment
So busy looking in they don't even realize they put up an invisible shield
Keeping everything they stand for locked up somewhere else completely sealed
Instead releasing condemnation, judgment and unacceptance
Forgetting the real meaning of love in the depths of all of it
Preaching the love that will meet you right where you stand
And right parallel to that saying it's not enough to raise your hand
One message being spoken of love and grace
Then footsteps after leave their words invalidated and completely erased
Scared that my faith will come to a place that doesn't exist
And afraid that I might fall through the crack into a lost abyss
Fearing that I just can't do it anymore
But knowing that I truly don't want walk through that door

-brandy-

Yay.. Overtime is Over..

Seems like I have been out of the loop for a long time.. I have been working 60 hours a week for the last 6 weeks making more airplane parts than I ever care to but finally I have my time and my life back! I'm stoked..

Victory through Christ!!

As I focus my eyes on the horizon
I ponder the things my spirit survive on
My only strength being Jesus himself
Without him my spirit clings to my flesh
And when I look out the other way into the distance
I forget the reason for my own existence
I forget I was created for righteousness
And that I still have a place in all of this
Because I wasn't created to stand on top of the watch tower
And withhold the message and spirit in all of its power
I'm not called to keep silent and watch the enemy steal souls that are oh so loved
I'm called to tell those the way to the one and only father above
But when I look the other way the line of righteousness disappears
And the enemy replaces it with all the same and so familiar fears
I become blind to the tactics of satan and his army
And begin to fight with all the strength that's in me
I forget to call on the name of Jesus
And forget that he is always with us
But God never forgets the promises He has for every soul that he has breathed life into
He never forgets me and He never never forgets you
And he's now saying the same thing to me as he did Abraham
"Arise, walk through the length and the breadth of the land
He says, "I will give it to you"
Reminding me its not my strength that will get me through
Now I stand on the battle line faced with a decision
Am I going to fight for his promise or go back to my own prison?
But God has given me a much clearer vision
Of fighting strongholds that are fighting to steal my dominion
And now I see myself crying out the same thing David cried himself
"RISE UP AND COME TO MY HELP"
And when I called the Lord came down and saved me
And redeemed my soul back into safety
And in His solitude and in His rest
In the midst of Jesus Christ I confess
That it wasn't by my sword that I overcame
It was by the Lord Jesus Christ, this name I claim

-brandy-

At The Fair....

I won a GIANT banana making the basketball into the hoop! It's pretty much bigger than me! It was funny to listen to the comments I got carrying that thing all the way back to my car.. This summer has been great so far. I have had the privilege to go out on a co-workers boat every weekend tubing and wakeboarding! I am hoping to have pictures soon from the lake. Work is great as well.. Maybe I will update my blog a little sooner... until next time my friends... laters