just another...

Entering in, the loneliness within
Trying to cope, find hope for it to end
And nothing seems to make sense anymore
As I lay here so empty on the floor
Another day looking for another way
Going through another stage, just another phase
Coming upon another level,
of hopeless pain and trouble
Trying to overcome another doubt
Feeling like I will never amount
And while looking in
I can only pretend
That this reality set in front of me
Can't be something I can run from so easily
But there's so much hurt
I want so bad to desert
But everything inside of me
Feels so impossible to me
Another feeling of familiar fear
Feeling like God will never be near
And only he can help
Save myself from myself
But God I don't know what to do
When I lost and forgot where to find you...

-brandy-

Letter/Poem to my Little Brother..

Dear Tyler,
Years have gone past since I saw you last. Losing you was one of the hardest things I ever walked through and somehow, someway God was with you that day. There was no way I would have known the day that God was coming to take you home. Tyler if you only knew, if I only had the words to tell you. There have been so many sleepless nights that I never knew I had the strength to fight. During those nights asleep in my bed my thoughts in my head would never let me forget any small bit of anything and everything. Too many times I would immediately awaken so heartbroken and shaken still asking why you were so unexpectedly taken. And once again reality would set in. So many times I tried not to cry but never could I hide my feelings inside. Every tear of pain would glide down and collide forming and endless faucet and I had no idea what to do or how to stop it. Believe me, I thought my heart was made of stone and I truly believed there wasn't anything that could be thrown to cause it to bleed let alone bring me to my knees to the one thing I need. And as every thread in my heart started to fray I thought there was no possible way it could ever be sewn back together and I would lie there broken forever. My life at the time was already so messed up and I knew this was Gods way of saying wake up. Not once did I blame the name of God but instead I put on a facade that I didn't need him because I couldn't comprehend. I didn't know that he had a plan that man doesn't always understand that's about more than me and my pain. It's about breaking chains to rearrange for freedom and change. Tyler God used you because he knew it was the only way to get through to me and help me see there's more to life than just me. He knew that you would already live with him eternally. And although it has hurt so much he has used his personal touch so I could also see who he is and know that I am his. And everyday I still wish it wasn't true that we didn't have to lose you and that there could have been an easier trial to walk through. I cried out to God night and day because I just wanted to know that you were okay. And God gave me that answer for you as he led me to Luke 15:32 and it read "For your brother once was dead and now is alive. He once was lost but now is found." From then on God gave me a peace that has never ceased and instantly I was finally able to sleep. He contended for my heart to impart his love within me and now I look at him so gratefully. God left a permanent imprint on my heart with his own finger print that is eternal and infinite. Tyler, I think about you everyday and I love you more than words can say. I always think about those times that were only yours and mine. For you I especially couldn't wait to see what you grow up to be. There is and will never be anyone like you and maybe that's why it was God that couldn't wait to be with you. I love you...

-brandy-

What I really see.....

A mind cluttered intertwined with spontaneous craze
How these days begin to melt into a singular phase
Ones fears and tears can tear them apart
Where endless lies and cries lie deep within a heart
There have been too many times
I have let others control these feelings of mine
Leaving my heart shattered in countless pieces
Impossible to unfold all these creases
Others telling me I'm "just not doing anything right"
Telling me I'm not the one that has to be stronger while accusing me of not putting up a good enough fight
So many times I've lifted my hands in true surrender
Feeling abandoned by my only defender
What used to feel incredible, real and full of contentment
Transformed into internal hurt, pain and unwanted resentment
So busy looking in they don't even realize they put up an invisible shield
Keeping everything they stand for locked up somewhere else completely sealed
Instead releasing condemnation, judgment and unacceptance
Forgetting the real meaning of love in the depths of all of it
Preaching the love that will meet you right where you stand
And right parallel to that saying it's not enough to raise your hand
One message being spoken of love and grace
Then footsteps after leave their words invalidated and completely erased
Scared that my faith will come to a place that doesn't exist
And afraid that I might fall through the crack into a lost abyss
Fearing that I just can't do it anymore
But knowing that I truly don't want walk through that door

-brandy-

Yay.. Overtime is Over..

Seems like I have been out of the loop for a long time.. I have been working 60 hours a week for the last 6 weeks making more airplane parts than I ever care to but finally I have my time and my life back! I'm stoked..

Victory through Christ!!

As I focus my eyes on the horizon
I ponder the things my spirit survive on
My only strength being Jesus himself
Without him my spirit clings to my flesh
And when I look out the other way into the distance
I forget the reason for my own existence
I forget I was created for righteousness
And that I still have a place in all of this
Because I wasn't created to stand on top of the watch tower
And withhold the message and spirit in all of its power
I'm not called to keep silent and watch the enemy steal souls that are oh so loved
I'm called to tell those the way to the one and only father above
But when I look the other way the line of righteousness disappears
And the enemy replaces it with all the same and so familiar fears
I become blind to the tactics of satan and his army
And begin to fight with all the strength that's in me
I forget to call on the name of Jesus
And forget that he is always with us
But God never forgets the promises He has for every soul that he has breathed life into
He never forgets me and He never never forgets you
And he's now saying the same thing to me as he did Abraham
"Arise, walk through the length and the breadth of the land
He says, "I will give it to you"
Reminding me its not my strength that will get me through
Now I stand on the battle line faced with a decision
Am I going to fight for his promise or go back to my own prison?
But God has given me a much clearer vision
Of fighting strongholds that are fighting to steal my dominion
And now I see myself crying out the same thing David cried himself
"RISE UP AND COME TO MY HELP"
And when I called the Lord came down and saved me
And redeemed my soul back into safety
And in His solitude and in His rest
In the midst of Jesus Christ I confess
That it wasn't by my sword that I overcame
It was by the Lord Jesus Christ, this name I claim

-brandy-

At The Fair....

I won a GIANT banana making the basketball into the hoop! It's pretty much bigger than me! It was funny to listen to the comments I got carrying that thing all the way back to my car.. This summer has been great so far. I have had the privilege to go out on a co-workers boat every weekend tubing and wakeboarding! I am hoping to have pictures soon from the lake. Work is great as well.. Maybe I will update my blog a little sooner... until next time my friends... laters

Many more to come..

Lord, you are so much more than we know and could ever understand
I can't even fathom that you hold everything in the palm of your hand
You saw all before mans fall
And although I'm so small, you answer every time I call
Your precious words are too good to be true
But in your faithfulness you always and will always come through
Just one word from you holds the weight of all creation
It's hard to acknowledge that with me you would even want relation
You're so creative that you provided a way that could never be shaken
As long as I stand in Christ Jesus and never forsake him
Your mighty protection is just one reflection of your love and affection
And so is your love so perfect in every degree of perfection
You give us a shield of faith and indispensable strength
And a powerful refuge from a God that's so huge
It makes me wonder how in any circumstance we think we can lose
Your perfect guidance helps us stay righteous
And when we stumble you're still holding our hand teaching us to be humble
It's upon you we rely that you will supply every need in life
In every rejoicing moment or torment and strife
It was with your stripes it was sealed that in your name we are healed
And it's you that comes with a peace that will never cease
Surpassing understanding in all times of grief
You give us knowledge and wisdom, to help advance your kingdom
And joy and happiness in all of its fullness
You never reject us
Instead you love and accept us
And promise support and stability
As we walk and abide thee
There's much more fulfillment in you whose been sent
I can't believe you would want such intimate friendship
You didn't rescue me because I deserved to be free
You rescued me because you delighted in me
And in all these promises you've given us to stand on
You also promise that even your words you will never leave or abandon
And when it was you who was sitting so lovingly on the cross
You didn't count your life as a loss
Instead you saw the gain of relation with no condemnation
And from us satans chains were stolen and broken
And the enemy was shaken with great devastation
Because he knows Jesus Christ IS the promise of eternal life and salvation

-brandy-

The Cove.....

So this weekend when a couple of friends and I heard that it was going to be in the high 90's we decided it would be best to be near a large body of water. We decided that the cove would be the ideal situation for a nice warm Saturday.

This is Pam.. She's awesome.. this is her sons dragon floatie..

This is Andrew (he's kind of a big deal) just hangin out on the "sand" if that's what you want to call it.. I told him that if he jumped in the water I would jump in right after him.. Immediately he just dove in .. I don't think he realized I was just kidding!

This is andrew trying to stay on the dragon.. I don't think it's big enough though cuz he's not really floating in this picture...

It was fun..

My favorite park EVER!

This is Sawyer Park. I absolutely LOVE going to this park on my free time and just thinking about God and my relationship with him.. I haven't been able to go for a really long time but now that I have a little more freedom I can be here a lot more.. I love just taking my notebook and sitting on my favorite rock next to the river and writing out what's on my heart to God.. It's amazing!

Me taking self pics.. Lol.. It's all good..

Finally.. It's Been a Long Time...

This isn't the greatest picture.. but it's the greatest piece of paper that says that I can legally drive a car! I am so stoked.. after a year and a half of walking, riding and riding the bus I finally have driving privileges again! BUT, I don't have a car.. lol. One step closer. I am in the process of saving right now.. in the mean time.. I am waiting for my real license to come in the mail since they give you crappy temp licenses first. It's all good! Now this is something worth blogging about! Until next time my friends..

brandy

Just sayin hi....

I would call this more of an "in between" blog until something worth blogging about happens.. So hi for now and everyone be extremely blessed in all you do for Christ..

brandy

So I got a job...

This is me looking like a doctor at my new job. It's funny. However I'm not really a doctor, instead I am working at a place called Epic Air building airplanes. It's awesome! Everyone there thinks I'm 16 and that alone is funny. I work with the nicest people I have ever worked with in my life. I get to work with my hands and I don't have to talk to a single customer all day (God does answer prayer!)
This is just a small snapshot of the shop. It's kind of hard to get the bigger scope on a small camera phone. There's different sections. I work in the Pre-Preg deptartment. (I think that sounds funny)

This is the lower left wing mold. Here we're laying a foam core on the multiple layers of carbon we already laid. That took forever! It's very meticulous work. You can't miss any details.. I mean it is an airplane part... The goal is that it will fly and stay flying.

We build EVERYTHING out of carbon fiber.. This material is super cool and fun to heat up.. at least to me it is.. I am easily entertained! I can't wait to see the outcome of the first wing I help build! It will be an "epic experience" AHH ha.. Not that funny.. lol

AND.. I got my own tool box WITH tools! I don't know why that's so cool, but it is. I'm just stoked to be finally working a normal job with normal hours. Monday-Friday 8-4:30pm. Weekends off. It's everything I asked God for and I don't know how I could ever get bored.. it's a place of never-ending learning.

I'm Not Much Of An Artist.. But I painted a picture anyways...

I haven't painted for SO long but today I was inspired to go out, buy some paints and create a "Brandy Masterpiece" Okay... well it's not a masterpiece but it was a lot of fun to create. I recently met a new friend in Salem and we got to paint a rad picture for this rad place together. It reignited my desire to want to paint.. I think I'll do it again soon!

Love You ALL!

That's all for now...

Writing In The Sand.....

There’s a girl who sits in the back yard on a swing
At the age of 9 she contemplates life, death and everything in between
Already the dark songs of suicide begin to sing
And feelings of loneliness and unworthiness begin to cling
And already there was the enemy
Trying to steal God’s will and destiny
And from then on she began to write
The chapters, the stories and events in her life
She wrote her stories in the sand
Because she had no solid rock on which to stand
And yet God was there
Even though everything seemed so unfair
And as this girl grew up with so much pain
It seemed as if she had nothing in life to gain
She began to write stories of hurt and sorrow
Always wishing there would be no tomorrow
And when she went to school she had friends of all kinds
But found that there was nothing but loneliness to find
So she began to write a new story of filling a dark spot
With everything except the one by which she was bought
And yet God was there
Even though everything seemed so unfair
And once she was out of high school nothing changed
All the feelings of emptiness remained the same
She used every drug and drank to numb the pain
Not realizing she had just jumped hard into the fast lane
On a road marked by the enemy
Marked to steal her eternity
But that didn’t stop her from falling down fast
As she wrote the story of following her own dark path
And yet God was there
Even though everything seemed so unfair
Soon everything got so out of control
As drug overdoses left her unconscious on the floor
She began to write a story of death
With every waking moment and every breath
And through all this she was protected
Although she felt so alone and so rejected
And even though she laid there broken on the floor
Without revealing himself God wasn’t going to let her go through that door
And still God was there
Even though everything seemed so unfair
What she didn’t realize was that God too had a pen
And he was writing her story from beginning to end
He was revealing himself to her in ways that left her heart pounding
Despite all the hurt she wrote and her surroundings
So one day she cried out to God to show up and cover her doubt
Or she was going to choose the easy way out
The next day she was at a dealer buying drugs
Because she didn’t believe that God would actually show up
And as she set down a bill her heart started pounding
Because written on it was “REPENT NOW JESUS IS COMING”
Here’s where God wrote a story of revelation
And gave a girl hope from all her devastation
And finally she saw that God was there
Even though everything seemed so unfair
Right then God opened up a new door
For her stories to be erased from the shore
He said, “After I erase your sins from the shore in the sand,
I will give you a solid rock as a place for you to stand”
But she kept looking back and tracking back
Trying to determine where it was she got set off track
She kept trying to do it on her own
Instead of looking to the one who is sitting on the throne
For a while she continued to write her stories of life and its trials
And was being worn down by all of its miles
So tiring were these miles as she walked in her self-willed destiny
And God kept whispering “My child, come rest in me”
This is where she finally wrote her story of surrender
That allowed God to show up in all of his splendor
This was all in God's time
This was all set before time and was so divine
Where she would learn and she would find
That she is the branch and he is the vine
And the second she turned her life over to Christ
He wrote her name in the book of life
And the Lord said-
“My forgiveness is like writing on the shore in the sand,
When the tide of my waves wash upon the land
All the stories written and inspired by your hand
Will be covered and erased by the blood of the lamb
And when the tide washes back you are given a new slate
As I open to you heavens gate
Because I am the great I AM
I give you the strength to help you stand.”
Now I write my stories on the solid rock
Glorifying the blood by which I was bought
Now I understand that God is there
And when things seem unfair I turn it over to his care
Every now and then I forget and take back the pen
And when losing control I relinquish the pen again and again
And when it seems like I’ve messed up and made God so angry
He always looks down at me so lovingly
And reminds me that he is still the same
And that his offer has not and will never change
And once again the Lord says-
“My forgiveness is like writing on the shore in the sand,
When the tide of my waves wash upon the land
All the stories written and inspired by your hand
Will be covered and erased by the blood of the lamb
And when the tide washes back you are given a new slate
As I open to you heavens gate
Because I am the great I AM
And I give you the strength to help you stand.”

-brandy-

My Funny Dog...

For as long as my dog has lived she has always loved the snow! We don't get as much in Bend as we did out in Sunriver but she still takes advantage of every opportunity she gets!






Here are some more cute pictures of her...




That's all for now!! At least I finally have pictures!