just another...

Entering in, the loneliness within
Trying to cope, find hope for it to end
And nothing seems to make sense anymore
As I lay here so empty on the floor
Another day looking for another way
Going through another stage, just another phase
Coming upon another level,
of hopeless pain and trouble
Trying to overcome another doubt
Feeling like I will never amount
And while looking in
I can only pretend
That this reality set in front of me
Can't be something I can run from so easily
But there's so much hurt
I want so bad to desert
But everything inside of me
Feels so impossible to me
Another feeling of familiar fear
Feeling like God will never be near
And only he can help
Save myself from myself
But God I don't know what to do
When I lost and forgot where to find you...

-brandy-

Letter/Poem to my Little Brother..

Dear Tyler,
Years have gone past since I saw you last. Losing you was one of the hardest things I ever walked through and somehow, someway God was with you that day. There was no way I would have known the day that God was coming to take you home. Tyler if you only knew, if I only had the words to tell you. There have been so many sleepless nights that I never knew I had the strength to fight. During those nights asleep in my bed my thoughts in my head would never let me forget any small bit of anything and everything. Too many times I would immediately awaken so heartbroken and shaken still asking why you were so unexpectedly taken. And once again reality would set in. So many times I tried not to cry but never could I hide my feelings inside. Every tear of pain would glide down and collide forming and endless faucet and I had no idea what to do or how to stop it. Believe me, I thought my heart was made of stone and I truly believed there wasn't anything that could be thrown to cause it to bleed let alone bring me to my knees to the one thing I need. And as every thread in my heart started to fray I thought there was no possible way it could ever be sewn back together and I would lie there broken forever. My life at the time was already so messed up and I knew this was Gods way of saying wake up. Not once did I blame the name of God but instead I put on a facade that I didn't need him because I couldn't comprehend. I didn't know that he had a plan that man doesn't always understand that's about more than me and my pain. It's about breaking chains to rearrange for freedom and change. Tyler God used you because he knew it was the only way to get through to me and help me see there's more to life than just me. He knew that you would already live with him eternally. And although it has hurt so much he has used his personal touch so I could also see who he is and know that I am his. And everyday I still wish it wasn't true that we didn't have to lose you and that there could have been an easier trial to walk through. I cried out to God night and day because I just wanted to know that you were okay. And God gave me that answer for you as he led me to Luke 15:32 and it read "For your brother once was dead and now is alive. He once was lost but now is found." From then on God gave me a peace that has never ceased and instantly I was finally able to sleep. He contended for my heart to impart his love within me and now I look at him so gratefully. God left a permanent imprint on my heart with his own finger print that is eternal and infinite. Tyler, I think about you everyday and I love you more than words can say. I always think about those times that were only yours and mine. For you I especially couldn't wait to see what you grow up to be. There is and will never be anyone like you and maybe that's why it was God that couldn't wait to be with you. I love you...

-brandy-